I feel like I’m trying to unite everyone. I can’t. A voice inside me tells me I can. I don’t know why I can’t let this one go. I think it’s a talent of mine, and maybe I’ll lay it to rest so I can unite myself, and I know myself; if something ever comes up- I’m no longer sure if I can be there for others the way I once was. I don’t even know what it truly means to be an empath, why anyone ever told me I was, but if I am then maybe I should take the time to look at it and look at my own health. Maybe people like me need time away from other humans. It’s like that episode of Charmed when Prue receives the empath “gift” and she totally freaks out. That’s how I’m feeling.
I can’t think of any other logical explanations because I love people, am a people person, and thrive… well I’m a people pleaser, or atleast I used to be… Maybe I’m just growing up. Maybe I don’t want to be an empath anymore. Why do people brandy it about like its something to be happy about? It’s not. It’s scary. It’s terrifying. It makes me feel not in control. Everyone else comes first and now I have no clue who I am… atleast that’s how it feels sometimes, and I kind of… made a face at that because it’s not true that I have no clue who I am.
The whole world is fucked and guess what? I have above average intelligence, and… I just feel like a baller sometimes. I feel invincible sometimes, not really invincible cause I know I can’t literally can’t do “anything,” but I can do anything I want it seems. I am unphased.
Pascifism pisses me off. I used to self identify that way when I was younger. I mean I don’t mean to start any trouble. I guess thats a very subjugated girl thing to do. And then when you read feminist existentialism you realize what a girl you became, and it pisses you off because you also read “Be Here Now” and you know that human drama is inevitable. Why so badly do I just want peace? It tortures me.
Does it have anything to do with the peace that I’ve actually personally brought to others? People have literally told me that I’ve saved their lives and shit like that. I feel like a relic from the 90s. help.
The 90s comfort me because the nuclear family was being really open about how much it doesn’t make sense. “Broken home” became a household term. It became normal to be broken, and that comforts me.
When I used to do a lot of adderall I was always able to figure everything out about myself really quickly. I haven’t touched the stuff since 2009. It is still such a huge part of who I am and I didn’t even realize how much it affected me. This however, is not the point, as interesting as all the tangents I want to go on here are- the biggest thing I want to say is that it reminds me of those articles I used to read about kids taking acne meds and completely hormonally changing.
Oh how I miss 8th grade health class in this moment. Fuck it. I fucking love stream of consciousness writing and am reminded of how much my teacher was impressed with my project that semester. I as so fucking clever. The simplest things.. that’s the thing about education, and thats why I so resonated with that class at Binghamton “Evolution, Literature, and Cinema.” Everything kind of can be deconstructed…
I think I am desperate to know that I somehow make sense.