excuses

i hate when people think it’s an excuse.  it really cracks me up.

“you’re so right.  i so enjoy that my life is this way.”

it runs deeper than physical pain.  do you know what it can do to a person to sit there alone hating herself, not knowing how she’ll ever live cause she gets sick so much, not knowing if she’ll ever be able to figure out how to not get sick so she can trust that she’ll safely be able to live on her own?  People can help, sure, but what about feeling safe on your own, especially when you’re an empath and you go through these phases of not being able to be around people, haha and you go through these long phases of not being around people because you’re sick and then you need some balance so your lonesome self thrusts you out into the world.  its a highly erratic life, and it feels like people, myself included keep trying to push that down, and i’m smiling because i think i’m afraid i’m getting better and that i’ll lose that erratic-ness, but i also kind of like it and i know that all humans crave mania and that’s why they go to the movies, right?  What if you’re falling for a guy though?  I refuse to say that he is my sense of calm and normalcy.  I’ve got to know that I can survive on my own.  That is the reality about people like me.  I’m very tired, but I hate when I make mistakes and I hate when I write things that made me feel better, and then I feel too tired to re-read them and… hm.. that’s sort of a mystery solved.. I think I put a lot of energy into “figuring out” how to permanently get better, prepare for a life incase I don’t get better, prepare for a life when I might unexpectedly get sick… and then I really am sick and too tired to focus and understand what the fuck I’m saying, and its in those moments you wish someone else knew you, but noone else does because you’re a loner for the exact reasons you’ve just listed.

 

I feel weak man.

I want to go.

I want to escape this.

I want to go do something else with my hyperactive mind and pretend that this isn’t a thing I deal with… Is that healthy?  I often encourage people to take their minds off of things, but sometimes also when you’re in the flo of it all, its nice to maintain focus.

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