how can i explain how tired i feel when i know without a doubt that you have never felt this way before?  its a hegelian dialectical this whole thing.  you become this person all because of this secret and the unconscious knows that this is unhealthy and that you need help, but you still became that person and humans are humans and each of us just is “a certain way.”  I don’t know why I’m so weird in like… nearly every moment.  My mind’s super fucked up.  I’m kind of smiling because I think that that was kind of clever of me.  Everything is okay, and I always have my mind to entertain me it seems and keep me going; it doesn’t just serve to entertain.  It serves to solve.  My mind has gotten me through a lot and I am hopeful that truly everything is okay and there will be all this empty space if I just let go and accept but… control freak says no.  Hah.  I think that people only let go when they are ready to, and I don’t mean to fight with myself.  It’s like when you’re giving a massage… You don’t wanna fucking fight with the muscles.  They’re only gonna relax when… and who knows if there is something different about that muscle that you weren’t expecting?  Ah I can see how my mind works here a little… My hypervigilence and my worry.  Something in my headspace leaves room open for any and every possible thing that could happen or go wrong, and any offshoot thereafter.  My body feels defeated but my spirit… remains.


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