Ever heard of the disease that psychology students come down with where they begin to fear that each disease they learn about, they are too suffering from? Its completely natural. All of those DSM terms describe phenomena of the human condition. Everyone participates in OCD. They just don’t realize it, and they don’t need to. There is no need to deconstruct every little thing. If its not broke, don’t fix it.
I completely forgot why I brought this up…
PTSD. ADD. ADHD….female’s fucking plight assholes
“manic depressive”… so I feel like a novel right now, a really good novel, one written by Alice Hoffman. Its just that people need to go through shit, and if you medicate them, they aren’t going to fucking feel their feelings, and sometimes people need to feel hurt or pain, ESPECIALLY when something bad has happened to them so that they can feel important and valid enough to be a person who is WORTHY of feeling sad for HERSELF.
hm. I’m talking about myself and things I’ve witnessed in others and just my observations from life. At the moment I can feel how mania can exhaust oneself. I kind of like it though. It feels way more natural than anything else, than numbing my emotions for five years, but hey, I get why that happened. I didn’t have the constitution to deal. Don’t even get me started on why I love repression and hate “mental health professionals” in the WESTERN WORLD who sit there and poke and prod at little girls who are just FUCKING NOT READY TO REMEMBER.
I am laughing because I am angry and this is so simple… but that’s where my above average intelligence rears its ugly head. Despite having said gift of the mind, I still suffered and do suffer. Some things I cannot figure out and it fucking pisses me off and I feel the control freak in me.
I think sometimes when we can’t control something that feels major (wow I am a 90’s kid-I talk like how the movie “Clueless” feels sometimes… I think I talk about what’s important and relevant, and whatever… I just fucking talk and make sense when I do it. Let the haters hate. I’m a baller with an inflated ego that is compensating for an dangerously unhealthy low self esteem balloon. That’s my secret guys. I’m really… very extremely fucked up. And now I smile in a way that brings me so much god damn joy I get now why I love Hegel and why God might be happy on some level that his name is so often used in vein.
Are you reading between the lines? God I’m so fucking clever, but that’s not the point. The point is that I want to get better, and if I’m gonna be feeling this intense pressure I may as well create something, right? Its just life and adderall fucked with me, in big ways, and I can’t create the way I once did. Is that some kind of new ADHD. I am hyperactive for a lot of reasons. Whatever. I like to talk about it a lot cause it makes me feel better and if I can talk about it and heal, and make some sense of it, maybe that’s enough reason to do it, and maybe someone else with a similar struggle will hear it too and maybe that’ll matter.
I’m just scared.
It is not a lie that people become obsessed with me. It is not a lie that I both love and am terrified of humans. It is not a lie that I as raped. It is not a lie that I am trying my hardest.
But to all the people who wish to gain from my suffering, fuck off.