Gisele.
I’m listening to “Breed” and I feel all… and then I hear ‘gisele’ and what “breed” really means, and hasn’t the “art” world come a long way, but still kind of sucks that I know more about the details of celebrealities without truly having been curious about them? I don’t understand fascinations. Isn’t Gisele such an amazon and wouldn’t it be cool if that’s what he meant instead of “she said?”
It was the middle of the night, and a girl with a history of feeling unsettled writes the following in an email on her cell phone to her halos, ya know the people in you’re life who… you’ll get it:
But it just happens sometimes… My mom always brandies about my intuitiveness and insightfulness and brought me to the crystal shop where they said I was a… An indigo child
^excerpt from personal writing.
Note-: you may think I’m crazy but my phone is a touch screen and it can sense when my breathing is irregular or I have sweaty palms; I will never stop feeling responsible for mothers suffering so when I say I am am/can’t be/have to be the New York woman I – my throat chakra changes bc I either have did and have alters or am an empath or something in the middle and “I am sorry” because I move heaven and earth…
I am feelig brave and Kan ho (Chinese medicine… Man) once injected me with this sort of paternal thing (after reading my fortune which he made me promise to keep secret and I fear that my mothers hyper intense desire to control me is the reason why we don’t share the little nuances of ourselves…
Im sorry im not over it and being around you triggers something I think I wasn’t supposed to remember for a while but the millennium hit and along with it psycho analysis and genius children. ______________ __________________ ____________the 90s; don’t want to believe it’s today too
I really did take none steps and forget
Um. Feeling super awkward and guilty and… Brave and knowing that this could help and desperation to feel better
It’s just that when my brain works it’s my only chance to send my Sos
Otherwise it’s that other mind
I send Soss
Soon it will make more sense
I have not felt this clear in… Idk when; perhaps I have felt even clearer more recently- it’s just my whole persona is a product of cApitalism and that’s why I’m empty… But don’t worry… Buddhism can always help with that but here’s the thing- im not a dharma bum but I am- what choice do I have at this point?… I am sorry that you could never understand but I continue to see the virtue in letting go of self explanation
I remember when a girl told me that she couldn’t say a fleeting thought about herself outloud without her mother… Taking it so seriously
Mom it makes sense that you are the way you are; in time these neuroses of yours will shed.
If I am a witch it can only be for me and I am sorry but it doesn’t work that a self serves a self outside of itself-:- being heady means being well, wise, and having some rock and roll in you still.
I do not know what ego death is
Or do I?
I am on the disociAtive spectrum.
despite this,
I would prefer to say a profanity- “having a vagina” should be added to the dsm. I make sense because I am a feminist and a girl.
I don’t need help anymore. I only benefit from it.
Thank you.
I so badly want to all at once cure myself and the way that I am which is not a thing thT you can change so mom you can lessen the amount of energy you give to things that don’t really….
I cAnnot save you and I keep trying to. It is an ocd.
Im sorry that I am a highly sensitive person, unpredicTable and
I am proud that I keep trying.
I feel like I’m trying to unite everyone. I can’t. A voice inside me tells me I can. I don’t know why I can’t let this one go. I think it’s a talent of mine, and maybe I’ll lay it to rest so I can unite myself, and I know myself; if something ever comes up- I’m no longer sure if I can be there for others the way I once was. I don’t even know what it truly means to be an empath, why anyone ever told me I was, but if I am then maybe I should take the time to look at it and look at my own health. Maybe people like me need time away from other humans. It’s like that episode of Charmed when Prue receives the empath “gift” and she totally freaks out. That’s how I’m feeling.
I can’t think of any other logical explanations because I love people, am a people person, and thrive… well I’m a people pleaser, or atleast I used to be… Maybe I’m just growing up. Maybe I don’t want to be an empath anymore. Why do people brandy it about like its something to be happy about? It’s not. It’s scary. It’s terrifying. It makes me feel not in control. Everyone else comes first and now I have no clue who I am… atleast that’s how it feels sometimes, and I kind of… made a face at that because it’s not true that I have no clue who I am.
The whole world is fucked and guess what? I have above average intelligence, and… I just feel like a baller sometimes. I feel invincible sometimes, not really invincible cause I know I can’t literally can’t do “anything,” but I can do anything I want it seems. I am unphased.
Pascifism pisses me off. I used to self identify that way when I was younger. I mean I don’t mean to start any trouble. I guess thats a very subjugated girl thing to do. And then when you read feminist existentialism you realize what a girl you became, and it pisses you off because you also read “Be Here Now” and you know that human drama is inevitable. Why so badly do I just want peace? It tortures me.
Does it have anything to do with the peace that I’ve actually personally brought to others? People have literally told me that I’ve saved their lives and shit like that. I feel like a relic from the 90s. help.
The 90s comfort me because the nuclear family was being really open about how much it doesn’t make sense. “Broken home” became a household term. It became normal to be broken, and that comforts me.
When I used to do a lot of adderall I was always able to figure everything out about myself really quickly. I haven’t touched the stuff since 2009. It is still such a huge part of who I am and I didn’t even realize how much it affected me. This however, is not the point, as interesting as all the tangents I want to go on here are- the biggest thing I want to say is that it reminds me of those articles I used to read about kids taking acne meds and completely hormonally changing.
Oh how I miss 8th grade health class in this moment. Fuck it. I fucking love stream of consciousness writing and am reminded of how much my teacher was impressed with my project that semester. I as so fucking clever. The simplest things.. that’s the thing about education, and thats why I so resonated with that class at Binghamton “Evolution, Literature, and Cinema.” Everything kind of can be deconstructed…
I think I am desperate to know that I somehow make sense.
is the title of many poems
and that gives me hope
because I know that there is a lot of recovery potential out there.
I am trying to make a point about womanhood; rebels without a cause tend to have causes.
I am playing games. I chose this photo for a very specific personal reason. I don’t know why things like this give me comfort but they do. A wise woman once said that she enjoyed envisioning the marriage of things rather than the opposition of things. I really dug that.
#tomboy #michellerose #prettynamecomplex #socialexperiment
just “be” yourself.
heady
we get it. you want to say something big. unafraid.
There are lots of fun ways to be in ones’ body and I would like to take a second and gaze upon the wonder of that:
I love how a runners high can bring me back to my inner Janis (Joplin). I’ve noticed that taking the time out to gaze upon a slideshow aids in focusing, rather than a ton of scattered images, though I do love when so many different things hit you all at once. In any case, I totally get the “i want to run/i don’t want to run” feeling. It can be super confusing, especially if you have a history of “health problems”. Hah. The problem is not that you’ve had a history of “health problems.” The problem is that Western Medicine really needs to catch up, and well… I don’t feel like being harsh on the human spirit right now. There’s no sense in lingering in guilt over disappointment in oneself I’ve learned, or very little virtue to it anyway.
A wise woman once told me that the body may be wiser than the mind. If you’re ever unsure, try sitting down for a moment. Bodies naturally want to move. If you don’t have the strength, it probably won’t happen, and if you do, it just might, but the most important thing to me anyway is not setting my expectations because I truly never know if I’m going to feel well for a run. This is the control freak attempting… a kind of autonomy she sort of feels is new, yet it is a familiar feeling none the less. In any case Britney Spears, Alanis Morissete, and Cheryl Crow rock on… Janis is somewhere chillin with Jimi and John Lennon and I think they’d totally get you guys.
and so the story goes…
…strolling in from my mile run I don’t even care how long the damn thing took,and I don’t think I ever gave a shit. I just like the way it feels.
Alanis or Britney or a third option I pondered for a while knowing there was a good chance I’d be listening to nada as I can be forgetful; that’s kind of why I don’t get attached to things- I know all about how forgetfulness can lead to disappointment.
In any case I was just appreciating my forgetfulness because a long time ago I found a Britney cover of an Alanis song (you oughta know). Dilemma not only solved but transformed into an even holier upper for my run. Fuck yes.
So I’m having one of those moments that I often experience where everything sort of just feels exactly… in place
I really dig the fact that Britney wanted to be like Cheryl Crow or Alanis when she first got into “being an artist” or so my revisionist history tells me (#britneyisahero), and I get her talent and drive. And each song, even old ones like “Born To Make You Happy,” still have a way with me. Britney, I feel like I get you. Thanks for the girl power.
In any case I feel like some sort of relic, because I have walkmen, and I never got super into the whole iPod thing, and I hate the kind of headphones that aren’t headphones at all- they are these irritating things I can’t ever seem to get inside my ear. It takes the music right out of the whole thing.
Britney you survived the 90s, the millennium, and things seem okay for you now. You were exactly what America and the world needed at the turn of the century in some way, and if not who gives a shit because it already happened, and I guess that’s how I’m feeling about myself.
I’m not sure if the poignancy of the preceding is girl power, the fact that “the millennium” is something I just said as though I’m still afraid of it :P, or perhaps its nothing at all and the poignancy is just that “exactly” moment from earlier, and the moment that those words were meant to describe, and the way I’m feeling now.
Gratitude for something came to mind on my jog. Probably an offshoot of the gentle Rodney Yee yoga I’d done just prior (Maybe not. I’m just in a good mood and showing off ;)Completely forgot what it was, but its nice to think about gratitude in general.
I feel most excellent at the moment.
preparedness i’m focusing on you and I like it.
My poetry has become: feminism trigger girl foreground beach background humanized nature blue like a color and pretty like a girl.
If the beach is where I belong, then of course I’m gonna end up with skin cancer, right?
caffeine is a wonderful social lubricant, in my humble opinion
Studies show simply being around happy people makes you happy, right? I don’t know. I think it’d break my heart to see all those people thinking they were happy at the beach while they were getting skin cancer… or would it? Do I have a way of sabotaging everything? Why am I thankful for it. It’s me. I have a feeling my “thankfulness” for it is adaptive. I’m pretty sure the fact that all I’m doing is “getting fucked up on caffeiene” and watching a movie I’ve avoided for… seven years… seven years… is it no coincidence that all I ever wanted was to be a writer, and I happen to be the perfect little poet? I resent how quaint and cute I am. I prey upon it to become stronger. I really dig the extra “e” I put in caffeine. I hate it without the extra “e.” I think I’ll spell it caffeiene, and only I will ever know the real reason I did that. Is this what it means to be a writer? Gloria Steinem I’d rather be a regular woman like you than be a writer. I know that you are a writer; it’s just that every woman is a writer, and I really think I’d like to leave it at that.
It’s like you’d never understand because I know how it feels to feel like Penny Lane in Almost Famous, and maybe you do and maybe you don’t; I hope you can. There is a certain magic to us girls; resenting the preceding statement, I revert back to a side of me that strives to be solely analytical.
Gravity. Magic. Girls. Is there anything wrong with the preceding three words all in a row like that? I apologize to my loved ones for living as though I’m dying, but something about lighting Grandpa’s Yarzheit candle earlier today helps make that all go away. Gratitude is fucking crazy man.
“Why are you taking love like it’s some kind of blessing?”
mystery man
I feel like I know what James Dean was like. I think most people could imagine. James Dean I thank you for your sexy naivete: focused to the point of destruction<-I heard that somewhere recently and it rings true with you, and me. I did say that I would take Forever27 as a challenge; I didn’t know it would mean so much to me.
ugly girl complex
“This girls got a whacked out ugly girl complex. She’s gorgeous.”
“I think she’s ugly.”
“I think she doesn’t matter.”
“She is something else.”
proud moment
I like the way she doesn’t care what people think of her. For example, her interest in the following photo feels like this moment had been placed, based on where this article began:
I am trying to make a point about womanhood; rebels without a cause tend to have causes.
I’d rather not think about negativity, although I appreciate it as a reminder. To me this photograph is a reminder of the suffering of womanhood; it lays it to rest in just the right way for me. I guess that’s why I love the Britney “Control Freak” shot. I am a control freak, which says a lot about me, and I am a “true artist” which also says a lot about it; it’s pressures that were placed for no reason at all; does everyone feel this? I was feeling peaceful about reality, like about how its all been done so I can chill because life makes sense, and then its like wait a second; I’m living life too, and what have I been working toward…something about human suffering, so its okay to tend to my own.
most image-ey pic of me
If you aren’t “clever” enough to understand me, that’s okay. I’ll do my best. There is a difference in when people use the word “tired” as overdone, or physically tired, and there are a lot of variations of the two. For example something can feel tired, and then all of a sudden have a slight familiar appeal, or someone might feel too tired to engage, but feels they’ve got to keep on keeping on, and so they adjust in their mind the meaning of the word “energy” as well.
Here’s one. I want to get this overwith and its a total microcosmic metaphor to me that I personally don’t give a shit how it comes out, and I need to comment on my elitist snobbery here because that is the cliche of myself that I am fighting. I think. I really don’t know and not knowing is a highly common feeling.
so according to some i “lived out of my car” and I know that I’ve used these words but I don’t feel bad about it or anything, and I feel completely misunderstood, and I very badly don’t want to give a shit, because I think I’m losing the energy to give a shit, oh shit- and now I’m nodding and gaining the energy to feel like myself again. I’m not sure what it is, but it felt good to get it out, and I guess that’s what makes me a hippy who labels herself as a hippy. I want people to know that “it’s okay,” and I don’t know what I mean by that, and all I have to say now is… that “it’s okay” not a bad saying.
cozyredrosie 